heartshape

Dear Someone,

Lord knows how you'd react if you came across this letter. But don't get me wrong. This isn't a hate mail nor a question of authority. I am just wondering why in all our years as father and daughter together, I don't feel that heart-wrenching bond typical among fathers and daughters. The usual picnic by the beach (well, the last time we did that was six years ago), unspoiled malling or restaurant hopping, and laidback unrestricted conversations. And I mean no talks and plans about my future, no pestering about my inability to speak Mandarin or Fookien (which I can fairly understand but couldn't speak), no comparisons with my brother, no words of profanity and deriding insults about my mother's non-Chinese heritage and subservience.

You're my father and I love you so very much but I do not know you at all. I know your name, your birthday, your pet peeves, your mood swings, but I don't know what you like. I know Sioti and I make you happy, and impressive scholastic achievements make you proud, but I just can't figure out what makes you cry. I know God makes you strong, that your family and your work propels you, but I want to know how you were brought up and what kind of people your parents are.

As much as I love you, I hate it when you say the pictures I send you are not clear or professional enough. I hate it when you say my brother's english is way better than mine. I hate it when you don't show my mother the same affection you give your children, and I hate to expect that you and Mama will never get back together again. Will you stop supporting her as soon as Sioti goes to college? I really don't give a damn whether you separate ways or not. I'm assuming that you don't really respect her (remember the CDO hotel incident? You made her cry and I never quite gotten over that) and that you're irked by her presence. You don't seem to give her importance and that more than ticks me off!

I hate it when you expect a LOT from me. Do you really expect me to excel at EVERYTHING? I know I'm competitive, I'm fueled by that subtle drive to desperately want to please everyone. I want to try and learn everything, to the point of wondering what I truly desire most out of life, what I truly want to be.

Where were you when I needed someone to talk about something? You know, I was always fine with having an absentee father but an absentee father who doesn't give personal details about his life and whereabouts is way to irritating. I can't tell you my inhibitions, I can't open up and freely talk about sex, drugs, alcohol, and I'd definitely talk to you about boys over my dead body. Most importantly, I can't talk to you about my weakness. Hell, I can't even tell you when and why I'm suffering. I wouldn't want you to have a wimp for a daughter.

I just miss you and I wish I were three years old again. I wish you tell us things and I wish I could tell you things...you know I wouldn't trade you for any father in the world but I still wish you'd just explain why you chose to keep your secrets...