With the exception of this pitiful internet connection, everything seems to be competing with the rush hour. Enrolment felt like yesterday and whaddya know it's almost July. My father was just telling me things about Silliman and here I am, about to graduate (that is, if I get my Econ 21 grade).
I sometimes can't grasp why moments have to change rapidly leaving me stranded in a season to ponder. Why, as it prepares to float slowly, absorbing history with careful baby steps, it immediately grows, leaving me helpless and regretful.
I'm not sure whether I trust myself to wade in even ankle-deep waters anymore. My mind can't work without my heart and that's the problem.
I was afraid I might not be able to give a straight and honest answer to someone who asked about how fervent my relationship with God is.
But tell me, who really is God? Who is Jesus? Why do I go church?
Why am I subjecting myself to an invisible power that may or may not exist? And is Jesus, being God's Son, worthy of my praise? They're supposed to be one but why do people keep on insisting that the Holy Spirit is the One who enlightens or touches us, leading the way to a healthy Christian life? Could the Holy Trinity be heaven's hierarchy that the heaven people are compelled to worship? If God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are one, do they get equal amount of worship, or does God the Father deserve topbilling?
Really, who is God? Who is He who has shaped the belief of millions? Who is He whom people claim to be the all-powerful Creator who can breathe life as much as destroy it?
Who is He and why am I so afraid of Him? Why do I feel like a circus freak balancing on a tiny rope, counting the minutes to my death, afraid of Hell?
++++++++++++++++++++++
I've been exposed to the God I've been with since preschool. The God I was taught to love and obey since, well, forever. And when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, I made a promise to be faithful. I never questioned my faith but the possibility of it wavering is clear. I never questioned God's existence because I believe in a higher being who controls my fate but as to who God is and how moody he is remains obscure. Yes God seems to be moody. He is jealous yet compassionate. You say He is Love yet He condemns. He creates as much as destroys. Will I continue living by God's word when I'm not even sure of the Bible's accuracy?
There's so much I need to learn about; so many holes to fill. I'd be more than happy to answer my own questions and counter my own skepticisms.
I believe in God and in Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. And I love them with all my heart. Yet if God and Jesus are ONE, why am I using "them" instead of "him"?
See how confused I am...
I joined the tour for the first time in 2 months two days ago and it was far from exceptional. I guess I'm not fit for speaking engagements and tour guiding and everything that involves, well, speaking in front of people. Apparently I get criticized for the same mistakes over and over again which just proves my inability (and stupidity) to learn from bloopers.
The campus ambassadors were tapped by the OIP and Tao Corporation for a city tour. We were briefed by the mighty Lanie Chua (she takes OCD to the next level) and "warned" that in our "hands" lie the success of their tour.
Hello? this is Pressure speaking...
Although I wasn't pressured at all, given the experiences I've had with Man-pigs in the past. Poor Luz, Ressa, and Karen took it deeply to heart and come tour, Luz was on the brink of vomiting. I think.
To make the looong and boring story short, Mrs. Chua wasn't impressed with Luz and my performance. Probably because it was informal and disorganized, or that we kind of deviated from the original plan of selling the historical significance of all the buildings and the city itself.
Who cares about history anyway. I mean, I do...but it was a tour for crying out loud. It was supposed to be interactive. And people can't expect us to know everything, especially when we're not from Dumaguete...grrr...
And Mrs. Chua, we're not God, you know.
And one more thing. An elderly gentleman who fortunately was Ressa's kabsi corrected us by saying "getting off" instead of "getting down" the bus...
haha haha haha...
Oh well, at least I learned something.
It doesn't feel like a Maundy Thursday. If I didn't have any sense, I'd think it's just another boring afternoon with me in the internet cafe, listening to some secular love songs that are clearly not appropriate for the occasion.
I would've been sitting in a movie theater right this very minute had it not for the fear of creepy crawly things that made me dash and forget the 45 pesos I paid to amuse myself. I should well be appreciating Will Smith's portrayal of a homeless ex-con turned Wall Street genius right now. If only I hadn't brought my Jollibee goodies inside...tsk tsk tsk...
I should ask myself what my problem is. I am not comfortable being in the same room with you know who and never have I reprimanded myself for a bad decision. This morning (more like noon), I was really awake while she was talking with another friend but somehow I couldn't find it in my heart to "join the fun" and be silly like I used to be.
But it doesn't mean that I don't love her anymore though. I mean, she is one of my closest friends and she practically knows me and I her. Or so she says. We used to be close - like sisters or like mother and daughter but it seems that being the "mother" had taken its toll. I can't go home to my room and not be stressed. Imagine that, a stressful day in school should be soothed by an air conditioned home away from home but that isn't the case in our humble - and messy - abode.
*sigh* I just need a break, that's all.
Where Art Thou, Oh Perfect [Imperfect] Boyfriend?
0 wishes and swishes There's no escaping Krawi at 4:32 AMWhat iS a FrienD? I'll tell You.
It is A person with whom yOu daRe to Be
YourSelf - YoUr Soul can Go naKed with Him
He Seems to Ask YoU to put oN notHing,
ApPreCiating YoU foR wHo you truthfully are.
WheN you aRe with him, YoU do Not haVe to Be
On Your Guard. You Can SaY wHat you think,
So loNG As it iS Genuinely You.
He Understands the Contradictions in Your
natuRe which caUSe otheRs To
MisJudge you. With him You Breathe freely...
YoU Can profesS yOuR little VanitieS,
enVies and aBsurdities - and in oPening
them uP to hiM, they aRe VaniShed
onto tHe White oCean oF hiS loYalty.
He UnderStanDs. You caN weeP witH him,
lauGh with him, pRay wiTh Him...
throUgh It all, he sees, Knows and LoVes YoU.
*All the qualities I look for in a guy summed up in one Blue Magic mini banner
*The irony of ironies is that it was given by a guy friend after I inconclusively turned down his invitation to a [Valentine's] date...*sheepish grin*
*Fact:
Somebody asking me on a date FREAKS me out. I know I'm being weird but honestly, why can't a guy just casually invite me to eat somewhere or just befriend or get to know me first before professing his intentions of wanting to have a more than platonic relationship with me?
Everybody thinks I'm mean, which at times I am, but can I help it if I fly off the handle when some random guys asks me out or expresses his desire to "get to know me better"?...which I think is all crap because the time one allots to "get to know someone better" (geez, this phrase sickens me) is better apportioned among various tasks that are more important.
Trust me, the "Getting to know" part is like a feasibility study where one invests time, money, and effort looking at the possibility of a particular business' existence, it's survival rate, the risks involved, and a 10-year projection of its income. Great if the study proves feasible, if it isn't then all or most of your investment (which costs a fortune) goes down the drain. If the "getting-to-know" part proved infeasible, than what? You and the other person just stop talking to each other? Ugh!
I was deeply sorry for turning down the guy friend's offer. I mean, I'm just not the Dating type. And even if I had a boyfriend, I probably wouldn't saunter around town looking for the best restaurant where we could celebrate Feb. 14 (which isn't a real holiday anyway) like everybody else. I might have joined him for a casual walk from ABC to Silliman though (that is, if I didn't know about his intentions), or a casual spontaneous dinner at one of the city's eateries. He could've waited for us to bond really well and I might have accepted his offer.
God I give up. I am a mean girl... *defeated sigh*
how I ranted about the first hours of my birthday...
the day went quite well actually...
my friendster was filled with testimonials from special friends, my indox got flooded with cheers, and verna was greeting me every chance she got.
this is just one busy birthday, that's all...
and the most important moment of today was:
I got to attend the SU Church's Midweek Service...
I feel so blessed already...
Thank you Lord!!!
I am so freaking angry at the freaking world - sorry Lord, you know I can't be mad at you - and I don't know why.
It just pisses me that I have to do so many freaking things on my birthday! Can't I have a stress-free birthday for once? I mean, I can't even sleep without dreaming about my overdue research paper or wonder about my fucking INC in Econ 21.
I am just so furious at having to do everything!!!
12 am
It's officially my birthday
Can't sleep
Because of that fucking music and blinding florescent light
Couldn't understand why in hell
I cannot sleep with distractions on the side
I cannot sleep with the lights on
I cannot sleep with any form of noise on
Final exam in Econ 22
Wasn't able to study
because I was so irritated
(I welcomed my birthday with a grumpy face)
(Sorry again Lord)
(But I'm really thankful for this day)
The exam was a breeze
Now I have to work on my Ethics paper
More pissed off moments
Netopia's computer won't run
And I've wasted precious minutes
Perfect, just perfect...
